The Quigleys in a Spin

  Also available by Simon Mason:

  The Quigleys

  The Quigleys at Large

  The Quigleys Not for Sale

  To Gwilym and Eleri

  Contents

  Dad's Big Toe

  Lucy's Big Day

  Will's Big Effort

  Mum's Big Ride

  Fatbrain's Big Adventure

  Dad's Big Toe

  Dad's Big Toe

  Dad was a hard worker. He had a little office upstairs, and he worked there all day and sometimes all evening. At night he was usually tired.

  One night, Lucy and Will sat in their bedroom, watching Dad being tired as he searched for a story to read.

  ‘You're all full of yawns,’ Lucy said to him.

  ‘The funny thing about yawns,’ Will said thoughtfully, ‘is they're not like sneezes.’ He began to explain the difference between a yawn and a sneeze, but it was hard to hear him because he was lying squished face-down on the floor with his feet up on Lucy's bed and his head under the bedside table. Will liked to invent new positions.

  ‘Will!’ Dad said. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Relaxing.’

  ‘Relax on your own bed,’ Lucy said.

  ‘I can't get my feet on the top bunk from here,’ Will said, spitting out carpet fur. They began to bicker.

  ‘No bickering,’ Dad said. ‘I'm too tired.’

  ‘We're not asking you to bicker,’ Will said. ‘Lucy and I can manage on our own.’

  ‘I mean I'm too tired to deal with you bickering,’ Dad said, but he couldn't make himself sound cross because at that moment he began to yawn. In fact it was such a long, stretchy, blind sort of yawn that when it was over and he could see again, Will had finished bickering with Lucy and had gone downstairs to bicker with Mum instead, and the bedroom was quiet.

  ‘Are you going to read to me now?’ Lucy asked. ‘Can you read if you're full of yawns?’

  Dad sat on the bed, yawning. ‘I'll try,’ he said.

  Five minutes later, as he was saying, ‘For the first time in his life he was face to face with a silk-monkey,’ he fell asleep. He didn't say he was going to fall asleep, he just did. He slid slowly sideways along the wall and sprawled on Lucy's bed with his eyes closed and his chin on his chest.

  Lucy crawled out from under her duvet to have a closer look. ‘Dad, you've fallen asleep,’ she whispered.

  Dad didn't disagree. Lucy watched him for a while. His face was slack and he was breathing through his nose in deep, whispery breaths. She put her finger out to feel the breaths, and they were warm and damp. She grinned to herself. Then she put her finger behind his right ear, and tickled him. A puzzled, frowny look went across his face, but he didn't wake up. Lucy grinned again. She tickled him behind his other ear, and in his sleep he smacked his lips together as if he were tasting something odd, and Lucy had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself laughing. Then she sat back and looked at him a bit longer while she decided what to do next.

  What would it be like, she wondered, if she tried to take his shoes off without waking him up? She thought it would be hard.

  But it turned out to be easy.

  Then she wondered if she could take off his socks without waking him up, and she did that too.

  His bare feet dangled over the edge of the bed, and she sat looking at them, and grinning. His toes looked like small hairy animals dozing in a row. One wriggled in its sleep. Naturally Lucy thought about tickling them, but then she had a better idea. A much better idea. She got up and went to the drawer where she kept her precious things, and searched through it until she found what she wanted, and went back and sat cross-legged next to Dad's feet and got to work.

  At first she found it difficult, and she made a few mistakes. It was hard to keep her hands steady all the time. But in ten minutes, she had painted all Dad's toenails in her favourite purple sparkly nail polish.

  Feeling very pleased with herself, Lucy sat looking at the gleaming toes. They were much nicer purple and sparkly, she thought. She thought all toes should be sparkly purple, even Dad's. And then, quite suddenly, she thought that maybe Dad wouldn't think so, and she was scared at what she'd done. Downstairs she could hear Mum and Will coming to the end of their argument, and she began to panic. As quickly and carefully as she could, she put Dad's socks back on, and his shoes, and just as she was finishing doing up the laces, Dad woke with a grunt, saying, ‘And the sulky-minkey said … the silly-money … Oh.’

  He sat on the edge of the bed, looking baffled. ‘I think I must have nodded off for a few seconds,’ he said at last. Lucy waited anxiously for him to ask her what she'd been doing while he was asleep, but he didn't. He tucked her into bed, kissed her goodnight, and went downstairs. A few minutes later, Will came up to read on his own, and he didn't ask her what she'd been doing either. She lay in bed, thinking nervously about what would happen when Dad found out that his toes were purple and sparkly. She felt very worried, but somehow it didn't stop her being tired, and, before she knew it, she was asleep.

  Next morning, Dad went off early to catch a train to London, so he wasn't at breakfast. By now he must have seen his toes, and Lucy wondered how cross he was. It was peculiar that Mum didn't say anything about it while they were having breakfast, but perhaps Dad wanted to tell Lucy off himself. Thinking that made her sad.

  There wasn't much she could do about it, but she thought that if she was good all day Dad might forgive her a little bit, so she cleared the table for Mum and brushed her own hair, and at school she didn't get cross when Miss Petz spoke to her in her dark green voice, and when she came home from school she tidied her room without being asked. And to her surprise, her good behaviour worked so well that when Dad came home later in the evening he didn't say anything at all to her about his toes. Nothing.

  ‘How are you feeling, Dad?’ she asked nervously. still tired,’ he said.

  She waited for him to say something else, but he didn't.

  ‘It's time for bed,’ Mum said. ‘Will you call Will, Poodle? He's in the street.’

  Will came in from roller-blading with his hair dripping and his shirt all wet. ‘Is it raining, Will?’

  Will shrugged. ‘Dunno.’ He didn't usually notice things like that.

  ‘But you're soaking.’

  ‘Am I?’

  Dad tutted. ‘You're the most unobservant person I know, Will. You wouldn't notice if you found yourself under water. Now up you go.’

  They went upstairs and got ready for bed, and Dad came up after them to read a story. He sat on the bed yawning.

  ‘Why are you still tired?’ Lucy asked.

  ‘I've been working late every night,’ he said. ‘And I've been getting up early too. It's dark when I get into bed, and it's dark when I get dressed in the morning. It's terrible. Next week, I'm going to have a good rest.’

  He began the story about the silk-monkey again, but he couldn't keep his eyes open and, for the second night running, he fell asleep in the middle of reading it. Lucy sat next to him, thinking. She thought carefully about what Dad had said, testing it in her mind to make sure she understood it. Then she tried to think of a plan.

  ‘Will,’ she whispered at last.

  Will grunted. He was balancing backwards on the edge of his bunk trying to work out how Spiderman clung upside down to ceilings. There was a crash.

  ‘Will?’ Lucy whispered again. ‘Dad's fallen asleep.’

  Will nodded briefly and began to eye the ceiling again.

  ‘I need your help, Will.’

  ‘What sort of help?’

  ‘You have to ask Mum to borrow her nail polish remover.’

  ‘Have you got it on the carpet again?’

  ‘No. I just n
eed to borrow it.’

  ‘I'm busy. I have to practise on my ceiling.’

  ‘I'll give you a choice from my sweet hoard.’

  Without saying anything, Will climbed off the top bunk and went downstairs. Two minutes later, he came back up.

  ‘She's run out,’ he said. ‘Where's your hoard?’

  Lucy bit her lip to stop herself crying, but she bit it too hard.

  Will peered at her face. ‘Why are you crying?’ he said. ‘Don't you have any sweets in your hoard?’

  Lucy put her fingers to her lips. Then she sat next to Dad's feet, and carefully, without waking him up, took off his shoes and socks.

  Will gawped. ‘Dad wears nail polish on his toes!’ he exclaimed in a whisper. ‘How did you find out? Who's going to tell Mum?’

  Lucy explained.

  ‘You're in big trouble,’ Will said cheerfully. Lucy cried a bit more, and Will felt sorry for her. ‘Don't worry,’ he said. ‘Perhaps it comes off with spit.’

  But it didn't.

  They sat looking at Dad's toes.

  ‘I'm getting used to it,’ Will said after a while. ‘Perhaps he'll get used to it too.’

  Lucy didn't think so. She went downstairs on her own to look through Dad's toolbox for removing things, and when she came back she found Will crouching over Dad's feet, giggling to himself.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she hissed.

  ‘Nothing,’ Will said, looking embarrassed. ‘Not much.’

  Lucy pushed him out of the way and saw that while she'd been downstairs he had put two of her best green and red Chinese dragon transfers round each of Dad's ankles. The effect was startling, like small animals dressed up in fashion clothes.

  ‘You twit,’ Lucy said. ‘You pig twit. Red and green don't even go with purple.’

  ‘I think they look good,’ Will said stubbornly.

  ‘Now we're both going to get into trouble,’ Lucy said.

  ‘What do you mean, “we”? You painted his nails. I was just trying to make it look more normal.’

  ‘Four dragons isn't normal!’

  Dad gave a low, sleepy grunt, and they both jumped.

  ‘Quick! Put his shoes and socks back on.’

  Dad began to mumble, ‘And then the sock-molley … the sick-milky … Oh.’ And he opened his eyes.

  ‘Morning!’ Will said. ‘I'm just straightening your shoelaces for you.’

  After Dad had tucked them in and staggered off, Will and Lucy lay awake thinking sadly about how much trouble they were going to get into. First they bickered about who was going to get into the most trouble, then, when they were too tired to bicker any more, they wondered together what they were going to do.

  ‘He'll see his feet as soon as he goes to bed,’ Will said gloomily. ‘Probably we'll hear him shouting and using bad language.’

  But Lucy told him that Dad was working so late he went to bed after Mum had put the light out. ‘Then he gets up early in the morning when it's still dark. That's why he didn't notice yesterday.’

  Will began to be hopeful. ‘Perhaps we can just wait until the polish wears off.’

  Lucy tried to feel hopeful too.

  ‘In the meantime,’ Will went on, ‘we mustn't let him take his shoes and socks off during the day.’

  Lucy agreed. ‘Do you think we'll manage it, Will?’ she asked.

  ‘I think so,’ Will said breezily. ‘Who takes their shoes and socks off during the day?’

  The next day was Saturday, and Dad decided to take them swimming at the leisure centre. Both Will and Lucy were very fond of swimming. They packed their costumes and towels in rucksacks and set off on their bikes.

  Lucy was a safe cyclist and Dad was a boring cyclist, but Will was an exciting one. Skidding, swooping, swerving and cycling no-hands were his favourite tricks, and Dad was always telling him off.

  ‘Watch out, Will!’ Dad shouted.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You nearly collided with those people.’

  ‘I didn't.’

  ‘You did.’

  ‘I didn't, I swerved to avoid them at the last second.’

  ‘You shouldn't have been on the pavement in the first place. You really don't seem to notice what's going on around you.’

  They reached the leisure centre, and paid their money, and went into the swimming pool area. It was a curvy pool with a sloping end like a beach, and a cafe, and hot showers, and a row of changing cubicles with clean white doors. Dad sat on his towel at the edge of the pool while Will and Lucy got into their costumes, and when they came out he said, ‘I'm going to come in straightaway today.’ He began to undo the laces of his shoes.

  ‘No!’ said Lucy suddenly, remembering the nail polish.

  ‘Don't!’ said Will, remembering the transfers.

  ‘What's the matter with you two?’ Dad said.

  Will and Lucy looked desperately at each other for help. ‘I was just wondering,’ Will said, and hesitated.

  Lucy said, ‘Yes, I was too.’

  ‘We were both just wondering,’ Will began again slowly, ‘if it's a good idea to go swimming after all.’

  ‘Of course it is,’ Dad said impatiently. ‘The water looks lovely and warm.’

  ‘You don't always swim,’ Lucy said. ‘Sometimes you sit and chat instead.’

  Dad looked round the pool. ‘There's no one I know to chat to,’ he said. ‘Besides, I want to swim.’

  ‘You could chat to us,’ Will said. ‘I'd like to chat.’

  ‘About what?’ Dad said, looking puzzled.

  Will tried to think of something. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lucy making frantic signals. He shut his eyes and frowned so hard he thought he'd twisted his forehead, but nothing came to mind. ‘I've forgotten,’ he said at last in a weak voice.

  ‘Ah well.’ Dad took off one shoe.

  ‘I remember now!’ Will shouted.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Do you like eye-drops?’

  This took Dad by surprise. One of the good things about Dad was that he could be taken by surprise. ‘Eye-drops? You mean, drops you put in your eyes?’

  ‘Let's start by talking about that sort,’ Will said. He fixed Dad with an alert stare. ‘Do you like them?’

  ‘I don't understand what you mean, Will, do I like them?’ Dad made an exasperated noise.

  ‘Nobody likes eye-drops. They just use them. I don't know why you want to talk about them, it's maddening. I'm going to get changed now.’ He took hold of his sock.

  ‘Anyway,’ Will continued quickly, ‘how much do eye-drops cost these days?’

  ‘Listen,’ Dad said crossly. ‘I'm not getting into a conversation about eye-drops.’

  Will looked cunning. ‘What do you mean by “conversation” ?’ he asked.

  Dad stared at Will. ‘Are you all right?’ he said. ‘How much Coke have you drunk today?’

  ‘I'm not all right,’ Lucy said suddenly.

  ‘She's not,’ Will said firmly. ‘She's not all right at all.’ Both he and Dad looked at Lucy.

  One of the things Lucy was good at was making herself cry. No one was as good as her. She did it by thinking about sad things, like seal pups being killed and the time she caught her thumb in the car door.

  She let her face go wide, and her eyes spilled over with tears.

  ‘Poodle!’ Dad murmured. ‘Poodle-fish!’ He got up and rocked her in a hug. ‘What is it?’

  That was quite a hard question. Lucy thought about it. ‘It's about people not liking eye-drops,’ she sobbed.

  Dad straightened up. ‘There's something going on here,’ he said sternly. ‘I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. We've come to the pool to swim. The water is lovely and warm. I'm going to swim.’ He took hold of his sock again, and, without thinking, Will leaped into the water and began to thrash and scream.

  ‘It's freezing!’ he yelled. ‘It's freezing cold!’

  He leaped out of the water and did a mad-frozen-person's dance on the side, watche
d by everyone in the pool.

  A life-guard ran over. ‘What's the problem?’ he asked.

  ‘He says the water's cold,’ Dad explained. ‘But I'm afraid he's insane. I'm sure it's fine.’

  The life-guard looked shifty. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘The heater did break down overnight, and it's a little chillier than usual.’

  Dad looked worried. ‘I don't like it cold,’ he said.

  ‘Freezing,’ Will said.

  ‘Honestly, I still can't feel my elbows. I'm going to get changed back into my clothes.’

  Dad tested the water with his hand and looked doubtful.

  Will was inspired. He said, ‘Dad, I'm going to buy a drink with my pocket money. Why don't you have a coffee to warm yourself up after putting your hand in that freezing water? They sell papers at the cafe too. I saw a headline about that football game last night.’

  Dad looked interested. ‘It can't hurt to have a bit of a read first,’ he said.

  Will and Lucy were very pleased with themselves. That night, as they lay in bed, they bickered in a friendly way about who had been the most distracting person to Dad.

  ‘I distracted him most,’ Will said, ‘with the conversation.’

  Lucy said, ‘I distracted him second most with crying.’

  They lay there, thinking about this.

  ‘It's funny about Dad, isn't it?’ Will said after a while. ‘He's all right. Then suddenly he gets shouty. Then he's all right again.’

  ‘It is funny,’ Lucy said. ‘He makes me laugh.’

  ‘He's all right, though,’ Will said.

  Lucy said, ‘He is all right.’

  ‘Do you think that nail polish has worn off by now?’

  ‘Probably. But I bet the transfers are still there.’

  Will lay there trying not to think of this. ‘That's the problem with Dad,’ he said at last. ‘He changes his mind so much, and doesn't know what's going on, and falls asleep when he shouldn't.’

  ‘Mum's not like that,’ Lucy said.